Gospel Prism

I tend to think that most people in the church (including ME) do not have even a semblance of an idea as to what a challenge it can be to be the wife of a person who…

1. Is always needed by all sorts of people all the time at any hour of the day.
2. Is watched and observed by all and expected to model grace, feminity, cleanliness, motherhood, emotional strength, emotional empathy, cooking.
3. Is a widow on Sundays for most of her life when every other woman is cared for on Sundays.
4. Is to provide care, nurture, food for everyone who is hurting in the church.
5. Is expected to live with less means, a more humble home than anyone else in the church.
6. Is to take up the caring role when the pastor is gone (my wife actually visited babies in the hospital when I was gone in South Africa).

I can’t say more than enough how blessed I am to have such a Gospel-centered wife.

This blog article teaches the church how to care for someone such is this. It is so good that I thought I’d reprint it in it’s entirety and then send you there to see for yourself as well:

Of course, this is something that hits very close to home. I have commented before on the ‘burn out’ rate of pastors as being somewhat of a crisis in the church. I truly believe that the neglect of the home and family is a big part of the problem. But, the problem doesn’t come only from the pastor’s neglect of his family, but also from the church’s neglect of the pastors families. Pastor’s are reticent to call the church to care for their families- it seems self serving and manipulative. But, it is a necessity- if we take the strain upon pastors and their families seriously.

Mark Driscoll has a great post and vodcast over at The Resurgence. Scroll down to ‘Death by Ministry- pt.10″ Check it out.

Here are his main practical points regarding the care of a pastor’s wife:

* She needs a clearly defined and guarded role.
* She needs some help with the kids and house.
* She needs some help getting to and from church on Sundays.
* She needs a designated parking place.
* She needs a handful of safe relationships with other godly women.
* She needs to choose her own friends and define her own relationships.
* She needs to see her first jobs as Christian, wife, and mother, not free hire for the church.

Pastor’s wives, especially those with little ones, have a great burden in ministry- their husbands are up very early on Sunday, and mostly out of the picture till that afternoon (unless we have evening programs!). But, as different than other families whose husbands are up early and out late on any given weekday- our wives have to get the kids up, bathed, fed, looking ’sunday a.m. best’, and to church on time and relatively sane. This is a HUGE feat done by yourself (especially with four kids under 6!) and it entails a lot of pressure and anxiety. Then, there are the many nights of entertaining in ministry. Then there are the ‘demands’ of other families upon the pastors and their families (in terms of interaction, friendship, expectations). In terms of home care, and child care- pastors don’t make a ton of cash, and there are frankly not a lot of resources here to spare. There is also the reality that the pastor and his family works, lives, breathes, relates, ministers, etc. in the church. There is no ‘escape’- and this is fraught with pressure, fear, and unrealistic expectations. If I paint a bleak picture- I don’t do so because any of us are necessarily in ‘crisis’ - but this is a crisis that is never far from any pastor or any church. We should guard and fight it where ever and when ever we can.

My own church is a very loving, and serving body. There are so many of you who serve and love the pastors and their families faithfully and constantly. Tori and I have received so much care, gifts, love, appreciation over the years. And I know the same goes for our other pastors at Four Oaks. Your care and love is important and felt constantly by the pastors of Four Oaks. I could give so many examples of how our church takes this care seriously and provides the help that I present below (and that Driscoll outlines above). So, this is no rebuke for our church family.

That being said, I think this exhortation must be constant (like so many constant needs and concerns that face us) - and those faithful servants in the church understand that God’s people need such exhortations constantly. Hopefully there are some that read this post (outside our church or inside) who need to hear it- even better, whose pastors need them to hear it. If God uses it to this end, then wonderful!

Often times and in many churches the daily, and mundane struggles of maintaining a home and family that face a wife in ministry is not attended to by the church body.

Here are some practical ways you can help your pastors (and I speak of ALL the pastors- not just the Braun’s, and not just at Four Oaks):

* offer free babysitting. Be serious about it. If they don’t take you up on it, don’t be offended (this is a personal thing, and not just anyone can do it- but you can offer).
* offer to clean house (IF you know how to clean a house…don’t offer help that is in reality not a help) even better- give a pastor’s wife a day of housecleaning from a professional. It goes a long way when someone helps your wife by scrubbing floors and toilets. A LONG way.
* offer to help with the kids on a regular basis- help with homework, homeschooling…help that is regular is wonderful because it allows the pastor’s wife to plan and gives constant relief.
* offer to help on Sunday mornings and other heavy ministry days. Again, don’t see this as an opportunity to hang with the pastor’s wife, but to come and watch the kids while she gets ready, help bathe, feed, get in the car, etc. (it goes without saying I’m speaking to the women of the church). And, again, don’t be offended if she declines. This is highly personal territory- and not just anyone can do it. But, it never hurts to offer.
* do little (or big!) things to show her you love her and care for her and her family - bring a meal; give a gift certificate for a massage; give a gift certificate for lunch out; take her kids for the afternoon; write her a note of appreciation and encouragement; offer your vacation house for a weekend getaway (for her or for them!); help with landscaping and gardening; offer whatever your special gifts and talents are to her to bless her, her home, and her family.
* pray for her and fight for her…what? I mean, do spiritual battle for her and her family. Fight against the world, the flesh, and the devil that wants to claim her and her family. Fight against gossip and slander and against her, her kids, and her husband. I can’t tell you how important this one is! A pastor’s wife is devastated by the slander against her husband or kids. When you hear it- confront it with vigor and vehemence. Send it back to hell, or it will bring hell to a church.